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How To Flirt Without Being Creepy

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Flirting is fun but it can be hard to know where the line is. You never want to come across as creepy. Here’s some insight into how a woman thinks about flirting to help you flirt better without creeping her out.

David Dryden Henningsen, professor at Northern Illinois University identified that there are 6 motivations behind flirting:

Sex (trying to get into bed with someone)

Fun (treating it like a sport)

Exploring (trying to see what it would be like to be in a relationship)

Relational (trying to increase the intimacy of a relationship)

Esteem (Increasing one’s own self-esteem)

Instrumental (trying to get something from the other person)

In Henningsen’s study, he asked 101 women and 99 men what a hypothetical flirty conversation would look like and what he found was that men tended to have sexual motivations; whereas, women were motivated to flirt for relational reasons—to increase intimacy. Intimacy is defined as a close familiarity or friendship.

It’s important to understand her motivations and the ways to avoid creeping her out. Because once you creep a girl out, there’s no going back.

You can avoid being creepy by using these tips I’m about to outline for you.

1. The “You-Caught-Me” Glance

The first point of contact to make with any woman with whom you’re trying to flirt is to make eye contact.

Or, the best way to get her attention is to get caught checking her out or glancing at her. Try to do this subtly, you’re glancing at her, not staring at her. So do a quick glance.

After she catches your first glance, give her a little nod. And after the second glance, smile like an “oopsie, you caught me checking you out.”

Why I want you to establish eye contact first is to ensure that she meets your eye contact.

Eye contact’s purpose is to establish mutual interest. I’m not saying that just because a woman makes eye contact with you means that she wants to sleep with you. What I’m saying is that she could be interested in you if you’ve made this connection, at the very least, you could approach her and see what happens.

Every human has four zones of interpersonal space.

The public zone

social zone

the personal zone

the intimate zone.

What we’re focused on here is moving you from the social zone, which ranges from 12-4 ft. away from your target flirting partner to the intimate zone, which is within touching distance.

Eye contact is your golden ticket into the desired intimate zone.

The social zone is where you start any flirty encounter. It’s a space used for public and social conversations; whereas, like I said before, the intimate zone is within touching distance—ultimately where you want to end up. You approach the intimate zone through making eye contact through your casual glances.

2. Mirror Her Posture to Build Rapport

Remember that flirting is a response to attraction. And attraction is evoking interest, pleasure or liking for someone. So what else can you do to persuade a woman with whom you’ve never met that you’re the best candidate to flirt with and maybe even sleep with?

One way to win her over is to mirror her body language.

When we first meet someone, we make snap decisions about whether we like or dislike them. this is a survival method that we have adapted into our modern interpersonal interactions.

We have an involuntary fight or flight response to people, which dictates whether or not we like them. This happens in a matter of seconds.

One of the ways to be seen as more favorable is to mirror the posture of the person with whom you’re speaking.

This is a technique used in building rapport.

Rapport: a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other’s feelings or ideas and communicate well.

In other words, rapport is a bond that you form with someone through certain gestures. One of which being mirroring body posture/ body language.

If the girl that you’re trying to flirt with is standing tall with relaxed shoulders, it wouldn’t make sense for you to approach her with arms crossed hunched over. No, that’s a closed off body posture, try to mirror ever so slightly the posture and gestures of your communication partner.

If she uses her hands to talk a lot, think about trying to gesticulate as you talk as well. You don’t have to go gesture for gesture, but it will make her feel more comfortable talking and flirting with you if she feels comfortable and like you have a similar communication pattern.

You’re trying to create a feeling of togetherness and harmony.

3. Compliment

My third tip in learning how to flirt without creeping women out is to look at the topic of conversation.

Pick-up lines are a thing of the past, but compliments are the way of the future.

The thing about flirting is that it is all about making the other person feel good by giving them attention and asking them questions.

One way to give a woman positive attention is to compliment her on something that she has chosen.

A good compliment is about something that a woman has chosen to wear, or the way that she has chosen to style her hair or to compliment her on something that she has worked on.

Compliments make people feel good about themselves when they’re around you. And as Maya Angelou once said:

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

And that is a statement that I personally live by.

4. Gentle Touches

Gentle touches are a great way to raise the stakes if she’s already responding positively and flirting back.

Psychologist Dr. Nicolas Guéguen in his essay “Courtship Compliance: The Effect of Touch On Women’s Behavior” suggests that there is research to prove that light tactile contact increases compliance to a wide variety of requests.

He conducted three experiments in three different locations. Each experiment had two different approaches:

a man approaching a woman and gently touching her

a man approaching a woman and made no physical contact

The results were that women were more attracted to men who engaged in gentle, momentary, tactile touching because it made them seem more dominant.

In another study called “Dominance and Heterosexual Attraction” conducted at Arizona State University, researchers showed female university students a 1-minute video clip of a man who expressed non-violent dominant gestures, like pacing his hand on a woman’s shoulder.

They found that the female students viewed the men who engaged in light touching as more sexually attractive and were considered to be a more desirable dating partner because of their perceived dominance.

Now, dominance kind of has a negative connotation. But I think what they mean here is influence. And really, that’s what flirting and courting is and that is influencing another person to think that you’re a potential sexual contender.

So use touch to your advantage. Playfully touch a woman to deepen your flirtatious connection.

You can touch a woman’s arm to get her attention, place your hand on the small of her back to guide her somewhere, or even tickle her if you feel like the situation is right.

Find quick friendly ways to make physical contact with a woman to better your flirting experience.

5. Have Fun

And my last piece of advice when flirting is to remember to have fun.

Take it slow so that you aren’t showing all of your cards at once. Give a little and then see what you get in return flirt wise from a girl.

But flirting is also a mindset, so please, please, please, remember to have fun with it because if you aren’t having any fun, neither will she.

Don’t be afraid to be goofy and don’t take yourself too seriously.

That’s how you make connections with people, by finding similarities between your lives and you can’t do that without being a little vulnerable.

Oliver King is the CEO of Olivergist.com and also a social media influence, He is a graduate of Ecotes Benin University with a BSc in International Relations. And also have Dip in Law from Bayero University. Oliver King has passion for blogging and loves what he does.

Relationship Talk

6 Steps to Forget Someone You Love

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Forgetting someone
Photo by Japheth Mast

Falling in love is easy. Getting your heart broken is also easy. But do you know what’s the hard part in this process of falling in and out of love? It’s not enduring the pain, but getting rid of the memories of that person you love.

This is because the memories never go away. Once you form them, they remain in your heart. They may be overwritten by new experiences and exciting feelings, but you can easily draw them out again when you feel nostalgic. Yes, they know how to stay, both in your heart, mind, and soul.

Indeed, memories cannot be erased, but you can still forget. This doesn’t mean getting rid of the memories altogether, but rather wiping away the emotions that come with these recollections. But how do you such a thing?

Here are 6 ways that will help you forget someone you love and heal the pain that comes from the past:

1. Create new, meaningful experiences.

This may be the hardest to do, but it’s actually easier than expected. Indeed, it can be haunting to visit the places or do the activities that you and your former significant other used to do. However, it’s not the end of the world once you two have broken up.

And these things –the ones you used to share, still exist.

Hence, you cannot just avoid them all the time because they remind you of the past. You’re only depriving yourself of the fun and excitement that these things offer if you try to experience them again. Instead, revel in their wonders together with the people that matter to you the most.

Visit those memorable destinations with your family and friends. Take pictures together, eat meals as a group, and enjoy all other activities as a team. This way, when you start looking back, you’ll remember only the good times, not those that tell you of a heartache.

2. Go out.

Another way to forget someone you love is by going out. Literally. Wear your sneakers and start walking, even just around your neighborhood. This is because the longer you wallow indoors; the more time you spend thinking about a past that’s never coming back. You can only set yourself free by taking the initiative to do so.

Start walking. Enjoy the sights, the traffic, the busy streets, and smile at the people you meet along the way. For a moment or two, you’ll forget about that person who broke your heart. The longer your mind gets preoccupied with these simple encounters, the farther you get away from those memories you have so been wanting to forget.

3. Allow yourself to be shocked.

One reason you don’t want to forget is because you have developed a feeling of certainty towards your painful memories. You’ve started using them as your shield against the exciting things that are headed your way, all because you think you’ll just end up hurt.

Instead of hiding under a shell, allow yourself to be surprised, scared, and shocked. Take a ride on the rollercoaster and scream to your heart’s delight. Your brain needs this as well, as the feeling of surprise allows it to generate new brain cells and reminds you that what Cher says is true: there is life after love.

4. Talk about your memories.

People often write about the things they recall, so that they could keep them. Meanwhile, if you are trying to forget, then it would be best that you don’t write about them. Rather, talk about the things you remember.

This is because unlike writing where you can flip through the pages in case you are starting to miss some important highlights, talking about your memories out loud isn’t recorded. The more you discuss these recollections verbally, the lesser the details you mention, the lesser the emotions you feel, the lesser the weight you carry. Do this until such time that you could no longer recall the diner where you had your first date or how it rained when you two broke up.

It’s because when the essence of the memories has already faded, the entire recollection no longer matters to you as well.

5. Put away all the physical evidence of your memories.

In her song “The Art of Letting Go,” American singer Mikaila tells us to “put away the pictures, put away the memories,” that she’s been “putting over and over through her tears.”

Her advice is indeed helpful because while the memories are mental pictures stored in the brains, physical evidence such as pictures and videos only amplify their effects and trigger our emotions. Thus, if you are keen on forgetting this person you love due to heartache, then it would be best to keep the visuals away for a while.

It’s not that you are bitter with the end of your romance; you just need to give your mind and hear the space to recover and get back to normal. When the right time comes, you can go through these items again and no longer remember the feelings that made them special.

6. Pray for inner peace.

When all else fails, you only one resort left, and that’s to pray. Praying is an effective means to calm yourself amidst this emotional journey of getting over the person you love. This is because through praying, you get the quiet time you deserve. You also get to whisper your qualms and wishes to God, and through his divine intervention, you are able to see life from a different perspective.

It is also through praying that you are able to thank love for stopping by even for just a short while. By doing this, you also release all the negative energy you’ve been holding against the heartbreak you’ve experienced and the person you lost.

While praying may not be a direct means to forget, it helps you become more open to new adventures in life and not keep yourself with the “what-ifs” and other regrets you’ve nurtured after getting hurt coping with the loss.

Final word

Getting your heart broken is normal. Losing someone you love is common. But people, feelings, and experiences all come and go. Instead of harboring ill feelings, thank them for being part of your past, so that you become more capable not only of forgetting, but welcoming a new chapter in life that’s more colorful and more fulfilling to celebrate.

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Relationship Talk

7 Qualities of a Good Man to Marry

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A good man to marry

Qualities of a Good Man to Marry

Photo by Emma Bauso

Almost every girl has dreamt of marrying the perfect guy and live happily ever with him. But not all girls make this dream come true; worse, they even fall in love with frogs disguised as a prince and not the other way around.

Indeed, you are never sure about the guy you are going be married to, but there are ways in which you can mitigate this risk. You also have to learn how to differentiate the concept of romance from that of actual settling down because life is not all about chocolates and roses. By planning ahead and determining your concept of a man to marry, you are able to pick better choices not just of a boyfriend or husband, but a partner for keeps.

To help you out, here are 7 qualities of a good man to settle down with:

1. He has more than just a pleasing personality.

This goes beyond the good looks and handsome genes. Indeed, it’s a bonus when your ideal guy has the charm, but you need to look through the smokescreen and learn more about what’s inside. You may want to marry a guy who knows how to respect you as a woman and as a person, a guy who is thoughtful and kind, and as well has a fear of God.

Finding these qualities in a man takes time, as during the first few dates for sure he will be putting his best foot forward just to impress you. His true traits likewise resonate once you two are more comfortable with each other, and when you realize that he is lacking in this department, you may want to start thinking twice if he is indeed the one.

2. He has established his own disposition.

One of the fundamental traits of a guy who seems to be ideal to marry is independence. You may want to check out a guy who is independent, both financially and emotionally. By having an established disposition, it shows that he can be relied on, and that he knows how to take care of his responsibilities. If and when you two decide to get married, you are assured that can take care of you as well.

This doesn’t mean that guys who still live with their parents and are enjoying hopping from one job to another are not suitable for marriage; you may just want to be careful in taking chances because settling down is not something you can do on a whim. You both have to be prepared for a life together, and doing that starts way before even you two get into a relationship.

3. He knows how to make you smile, and keep you secure.

A lot of girls find funny guys attractive. But while it’s a big plus that he knows how to make you smile and laugh, it also pays a lot when the guy knows how to keep you secure. This means that he wouldn’t do anything that would trigger your confidence, or make you paranoid about certain issues and concerns.

This is important because when he knows how to keep you secure, it allows the both of you to build mutual trust in an easier manner. Establishing transparency and accountability in the relationship isn’t difficult, because you know how he cares for you and vice versa.

4. He thinks about your future, not just your future together.

Another quality of a guy to marry is when he thinks about your future. This not only pertains to your future life together, but rather he cares about your future as an individual. He knows how to support you in your aspirations and he wouldn’t stand in your way in achieving those just because these do not do him any favors.

In essence, he should allow you to grow. He should acknowledge that you are your own individual and that you are not required to change just to accommodate the relationship you two share.

5. He cares about your family.

When you happen to be in a relationship that’s already getting more serious, one of your medium-term goals is to know each other’s families. If he is serious about you, he would introduce you to his family and encourage them to build a relationship with you, and vice versa. This is because he is already grooming them to accept you as part of the family.

At the same time, your guy should also care about your family. He would not just take the effort in getting to know them, but is also encouraging you to further improve your relationship with them. This is because he believes that the family is the unit of society, and building a bond with them is fundamental once you two start a life together and build a family of your own.

6. He values your happiness and your individuality.

Perhaps this is the most difficult quality to look for in a guy to marry. This is because while most guys love their girlfriends, not all of them would think about the latter’s happiness especially when this gets in the way of settling down.

He should be willing to give and support your happiness, let you celebrate your individuality, even when these mean that he has to step back a bit. He wouldn’t be afraid to set you free because he believes that the love you share is stronger and will be the instrument to keep you two together.

7. He knows that it takes two to tango.

Lastly, an ideal guy to marry is one who knows that it takes two to tango. He knows that when you get married, it’s not just being about husband and wife, but as partners who will face the future holding hands. He knows that you are his other and better half, and that if and when you two decide to get married, you will be complementing each other’s decisions, ideas, and actions.

This mindset is very important when marrying a guy, as this tells you that no matter what happens, he will never leave you behind.

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Relationship Talk

9 Qualities of a Good Man in a Relationship

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Good man in a relationship

9 Qualities of a Good Man in a Relationship

Photo by Maria Lindsey

What makes a good man in a relationship? The answers to this question definitely vary, as each of us has a different concept of a “good” or “ideal” guy. But men change some of their behaviors and attributes whenever they are in a relationship, as unlike when they are single, they have to look after someone and something, i.e. their girlfriend and the relationship they share.

But apart from individual concepts and ideals, there are traits that make a man fit in the “good” category when in a relationship. In case you are still looking for that “good guy,” then here are some qualities to look for:

1. He observes chivalry.

You have a good guy when he continues to practice chivalry. This means he takes the effort to open the door for you, or assist you when getting out of the car, holding your hand while you two are walking on the street, and lends a hand in carrying your things.

These may be little things but seeing his initiative to do to those actions means that he truly cares for you and that he knows you deserve nothing but the best. His intentions reflect in his actions, more than the presents and fancy promises most girls want to hear from their boyfriends.

2. He knows how to be patient with you.

Another quality of a good guy in a relationship is when he knows not to tick you off. While it is common that you two experience arguments and misunderstandings, he would take the effort to be patient with you. He wouldn’t push you to your limit or test your temper because he knows these do not help resolve your problems.

He would give you space when you need it, but at the same time, he is on standby mode, meaning he is ready to come to you once you say so.

3. He supports your aspirations.

A lot of men find it difficult to accept when their girlfriends are doing better than them. This may be due to their pride getting hurt, or they think that it reduces their manliness. However, real guys don’t think about this anymore. Rather, they are supportive of their girlfriends’ dreams and aspirations, even if they are not part of building these dreams.

A man who is able to do this is someone who respects and values your individuality. Having this kind of man for a boyfriend is an indicator that you have a keeper.

4. He is emotionally smart.

Emotional intelligence is very important in a relationship, as this gauges your man’s ability to handle situations that test his patience and levelheadedness. You may want to date a guy who knows where and how to position his feelings during certain situations, and would think first before making a drastic action. Also, when a guy is emotionally smart, he would prioritize your feelings and welfare first before his, all because he loves and values you.

5. He is also street smart.

Aside from being emotionally smart, it pays to have a boyfriend who is street smart. This means he can be depended on during unexpected situations; he can troubleshoot issues or find workarounds in order to keep you happy.

This doesn’t mean, however, that he will move heaven and earth for you. Being street smart means he knows how to defend you during emergency situations, find ways to keep you safe, and not make you worry.

6. He listens.

Another great trait to look for in a guy you intend to have a relationship with is his ability to listen. He must be able to not just hear you, but go beyond your words and understand your feelings. He may not always understand what you say, but he lends both ears when you need someone to vent your feelings on, or when you want to get your point across even if your emotions eat the best of you.

And yes, when he knows how to listen, he doesn’t retaliate by talking back. He allows you to speak your thoughts and emotions, no matter how scathing they are. He will talk only when you truly need his opinion, and not to shut you up.

7. He celebrates your wins.

You also know you have a great guy when he knows how to celebrate your wins. He is always proud of you and even more when you achieve success in your career and in your passion. He would brag about you to his family and friends, and would be there for you at all times to show his support.

He would also not feel intimidated (or at least keep the intimidation to himself) when it seems like you’ve achieved more than he ever did. He would also not take it against you if you have achieved your dreams without his help or his presence being your source of inspiration. In essence, when it comes to living your life as an individual, he wouldn’t step in the way.

8. He respects your beliefs and shares your values.

You may fall in love with a guy who doesn’t practice the same faith as yours, but if he knows how to respect your beliefs and even shares the values and principles you adhere to, then it’s a sign that your relationship is going to work. This is because relationships, and eventually marriage, is built on compromise, not just of love and romance. If you two can meet each other halfway and respect each other’s individual beliefs, traditions, and values, then your relationship will have a long way to go.

9. He cares for your family.

He may not be under the same faith or share the same practice your family does, but if he takes the effort to gain their respect, then he’s definitely a catch. This is because he sees that love knows no boundaries, not even of faith and tradition, and he’d do everything to make your relationship work, starting with caring for your family. He’d even encourage you to bond more with your loved ones because that’s what family is about.

When a man truly loves you, he will not only show these qualities, but he will take the extra effort to practice these qualities to heart. This is because he knows that these take part in making your relationship last for the long term.

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